Sunday, July 12, 2009


The Tehlka sting operation gave our national kickback artists' association a real kick in the pants. And, stung by the sting operation, the wheeler-dealers took French leave and went into a huddle to do a spot of soul-searching even as their captured cronies did the rounds of the courts with their heads draped in bed-sheets. For once the merchants of vice seemed to contemplate wearing their loin-cloths and taking up sanyas(becoming a hermit).

But then, the leopards don't hold assemblies merely to appoint tattooists capable of changing their fur coatings (pompous me, why can't I simply write 'leopards don't change their spots', eh?). So, little wonder that the objectives of the racketeers' congregation was to recast their game plan and make their peccadilloes tehelka-proof. But despite all precautions, their secret society called the "Woo Fix Klan' sprang a leak leaving the national grapevine abuzz with juicy details of their new modus operandi!

To begin with, the old fogeys conducted their hush-hush parleys in the desolate old huts deep inside jungles where the two parties to the shady deal, hidden from each other by a rood screen (like the screen used at confessionals), haggled over the rake-offs. The cash, once it was dropped through a built-in slot in the screen, slid to a currency counting machine and then into a secret vault - all achieved with hands-free comfort by the middlemen.

The more trendy amongst the mob chose unconventional rendezvous to do 'business', of which the costume parties became the hot favourites. At such a party, say, bloke A, the favour-seeker dressed like a pirate with eye-patch and all, would meet bloke B, the power-broker disguised as Santa Claus and, hey presto, a bargain would be struck. No hassles. No fear of getting trapped in hidden cameras. No scare of corruption detectors.

The Klan is planing to develop a string of naturist resorts in the bare sand deserts where the contracting parties (with barely anything to hide) can bare their souls with a sole intention of of fulfilling their naked ambitions. And the strict dress code (!) at the resorts will provide high degree of 'transparency' enabling the camera-shy mob to conduct their deals 'in camera' without a h(s)itch. At all such deals, an assortment of colour-coded plastic (casino) chips of various denominations will be the only (il)legal tender. Money changing shops called the 'Cash 'n' Chips' with extensive network of branches will serve the members to exchange chips for cash and vice versa.

The Klan has already set up the 'Institute of Cryptic Communications' to train the members in paralinguistics. The subjects on offer are the Dactylology(communication by hand signals), the Tick tack(racecourse bookmaker's sign language) and Voice Modulation. An exclusive handbook of kickback terminologies called the 'Kicktionary' is provided for the trainees. The lexicon lists the code words and their meanings (eg. wet bus = submarine, fataka = gun, big dipper = a billion, small dipper = a million etc.)

Moves are afoot to use the Internet chat-rooms to strike deals. Therefore, if you find inside a chat room, say, one Mr Teakwood promising a big dipper of insects to Mr Woodpecker in exchange for the wet bus deal, inform the Interpol.
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