JUST CLUTCH, DON'T CHOKE

The line of battle was drawn for the supremacy in the Indian car bazaar when the cavalcade of multinational car companies tailgated on to our roads firing on all cylinders and the market leader finding itself in the 'clutches' of competition changed gear and made a 'bumper' issue of its range of models in order to 'choke' its rivals. But the social spin-off of this brouhaha has been the insidious invasion of car buzzwords into the middle class lingo.

"I thought that I had pulled off a coupe (sic) when I bought a tin Lizzie(old car) for a song," wrote my uncle from Mumbai, "But soon it became a sad song as the car turned out to be a veritable bone-shaker. Now, after six months, my 'state of the heart' could any time lead me to a car-diac arrest needing a multi-point injection from my doctor."

Take another quote overheard at a party: "Despite my obesity, I could catch the pick-pocket because my weight-to-velocity ratio was in my favour. In the scuffle, I sustained a few dents on my bodywork, but I came out of it with my chassis intact."

My aunt Girija, on enquiring about a movie that she recently saw, replied, " It was a murder story. I love films with good 'suspension' till the very end." Her son, nick-named 'dicky bird' for his penchant for travelling in the rear space of cars, keeps asking me why the cars don't have their 'trunks' in front like the elephants do.

According to a friend of mine, our Prime Minister should fit a central locking device to his flock (of ministers) through which he can lock up their blabbering mouths and while unlocking, he should enforce strict 'emission norms' on their verbal diarrhoea.

Car jargon can often have bizarre effects on the odd sections of our society. The very mention of 'saloon' (car) can make confirmed tipplers with suspect 'road grips' drool, thereby increasing their vulnerability to 'hit the road.' An ad for the 'estate' car can give jinxed realtors and property speculators the 'flat tyres'. Windscreen w(v)ipers can make a man with ophidiophobia(fear of snakes) lose his 'bearings'.

I am myself on the 'horns' of dilemma as the force that could break a horse's power is being brought on me at home to buy a bigger car. Their demand may not draw much mileage out of me. For, instead of yielding to pressure like a collapsible steering wheel, I intend to fit the noisier ones with a silencer by discoursing on the need to tighten our (seat) belts to avert a (cashy) crash.

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ASK PADDY

"What is the last thing you take off before going to bed?" the young prankster asked his aunt who went crimson as she groped for an answer and looked at Paddy as if to ask 'you tell me.' "Your feet off the ground" he volunteered with impish delight and scooted leaving behind a gawking aunt.

Meet Paddy, my teenaged nephew, who looks at the world through his own kinky prism. For him a 'serial killer' is a TV channel that abruptly discontinues a popular TV serial. And a male office clerk who collects the school fee is a 'fee-male. Paddy holds that a Western toilet, the 'paper-loo' is a ham-handed version of the Indian 'water-loo'. And then, just because natives of Poland are Poles, he regards those of Holland as 'Holes'.

If Paddy were to be believed, Azharuddin's sisters call him Azhar bhai jaan (a la Azerbaijan, the Central Asian Republic). According to him, Ugaadi is a festival first celebrated jointly by the peoples of Uganda and Burundi. And two master chefs, one each from Samoa and Formosa invented Samosa!

During one of his imagination-let-loose sprees he quizzed me, "What slogan would the striking mill workers demanding the restoration of mill's broken door shout?" I goggled at him in anticipation of enlightment. And it came in the form of 'Eh mill maan-gay door' which, of course, is a spooneristic spoof of the ad jingle 'Eh dil maan-gay more'.

"Inviting tender for construction of lavatories - Second call", Paddy once read out, toungue in cheek, from a newspaper. Paddy can spot gags where others fail to see anything funny. Once he buries himself in a newspaper, quotes like 'hand grenades at throwaway prices', 'take a crash course in aviation', 'government waters down the proposal to increase fat content of milk' or even a 'guitar for sale. Cheap. no strings attached' fly thick and fast.

A dab hand at spinning yarn, Paddy weaved this story about the Indo-Pak detente. When PM Vajpayi informed Musharraf over the phone that he had chosen Agra as a venue for the summit, the latter asked "But why Agra?" And, under the mistaken belief that Musharraf was enquiring about 'Viagra', Mr Vajpeyi ostensibly replied "We will put it under Confidence Building Measures".

Paddy's etymological lexicon has many entries. But one that he cooked up during a South Indian pilgrimage was quite resourceful. After coming across a string of legends at different places, each attributing the construction of the temples' holy tanks to the Pandavas, Paddy wondered aloud if the Pandavas were in fact 'Pond'avas.

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